Suddenly, an intense light shines in through his window, bright enough to illuminate the entire room.
Tommy’s eyes shoot open. The bright lights disappear, once again bathing the room in darkness. Tommy’s bedroom door slowly creeks open. Lanky, sinister beings creep in and surround his bed, the moonlight reflecting off of their huge, black eyes. Hovering over him, they reach down and grab him.
“Darn it!” shouts Tommy, “I’m being abducted by aliens… again!”
According to Tommy, a 46 year-old student at Lakewood High School, this is often the scene at the McPherson home in Lakewood County, California. Tommy says has been the object of repeated alien abductions since the age of 14.“It’s really starting to affect my school work. If it keeps up like this, I might not be able to graduate on time,” said Tommy, stroking his beard.
At first, Tommy ignored his bizarre encounters. Perhaps he was just having nightmares, or maybe his home had simply been built over an ancient burial ground. After all, the creatures left no trace of their visits behind. But as time passed, the aliens became more and more bold, says Tommy, until their presence was undeniable.
“I knew it was real when I woke up one night and aliens were crowded around my Xbox playing my Spider-Man game,” said Tommy. “They erased my save file.”
According to Tommy, the perpetual threat of abduction places a huge strain on the McPhersons. Tommy’s mother, Emily, wants desperately to protect her son, but can rarely stay awake past the latest episode of Lost.
“I wish I could help my poor boy when he tells me all the awful things they do to him. They’re always probing him for some reason,” said Emily. “You’d think those aliens would have seen enough of his anus by now.”
For years, Tommy and his family have searched for a way to prevent alien abductions. However, nothing they did stopped the extra-terrestrial intruders, they say.
“Free beer doesn’t stop them and they’re completely resistant to strategically-placed dirty magazines,” said Tommy’s father, Kurt. “We’re dealing with a truly evil force here.”
It wasn’t until Tommy stumbled upon a Web site called “Alien Abductions, How to Prevent,” that he successfully thwarted an abduction, he said. According to the Web site, located at http://www.abductions-alien.com*, there are several things one can do to prevent an alien abduction, including the following:
- Sleeping with iron bars nearby or an iron crucifix in your bed
- Surrounding your bed with salt
- Praying to God to stop the abduction
- Sleeping with “a big picture of Jesus”
- Leaving your attic fan on all night
- Yelling the following phrase as loudly as possible to the abductors: “In the name of God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit, I demand my physical body! Now!”
After following the instructions he found on the Web site, Tommy says the abductions have ceased. According to the McPhersons, it has now been two months since Tommy’s last abduction, and life at the McPherson home is finally returning to normal.
“I’m so glad the abductions have ended,” said Tommy. “Now, if only I could stop the werewolves and vampires from stealing small amounts of my blood every night, I’d really be happy.”
* Note: At the time of this article’s writing, the Web site http://www.abductions-alien.com existed. It has since disappeared from the Internet, a causality, says Tommy, of “the pro-alien lobbyists intent on destroying America’s youth …and probing their anuses.”
Also, the characters and events presented in this article are purely fictitious.
