Recently, an interviewer from the underground ninja magazine Silent But Deadly caught up with me and asked me a few questions. He never told me his name, but he’s a ninja - and that’s what ninjas do. So, the following is a reproduction of that interview, word for word. I hope you enjoy getting to know the real Matt Frey a little better!
- Matt Frey
Silent But Deadly: I’m here today with author and secret ninja Matt Frey.
Matt Frey: Hello all you ninjas out there in ninja land!
SBD: So, Mr. Frey, never mind the scariest moment, favorite movie, biggest gorilla you’ve ever slain, or worst career choice you’ve ever made questions! Here at Silent But Deadly, we strive to give ninjas what they want - obscure information they can use to relentlessly stalk and eventually kill you.
Matt: Sounds great! Let’s get to it!
SBD: The first set of questions focuses on all the information an enterprising ninja would need to know if they ever started fighting you. My first question is, are you passive or aggressive?
Matt: I’m a pretty passive person, really. And I’ll kill anyone that disagrees with me. Now make me a sandwich.
SBD: Excellent! I see you have the ninja way about you. Next question - Do you trust others easily?
Matt: Who wants to know!? Keep your distance, I’m armed! And legged! Don’t come any closer! I’ll kill myself if you come near me!
SBD: Spoken like a true ninja. Now, tell me, Mr. Frey, do you think you are emotionally strong?
Matt: The voices in my head are prompting me to say no, but instead, I believe I will say “Shazbot.”
SBD: Shazbot indeed, Mr. Frey. Which leads me to my next question. Without a strong will to jump out of moving cars to kill their target and such, a ninja is just a guy wearing pajamas and holding a sword. With this in mind, do you consider yourself a daredevil?
Matt: By all means. Once, I jumped off of the Empire State Building into a kitty pool filled with rocks. And sharks. Wearing nothing but a thong. Too bad we forgot to account for the wind current and I wound up landing on the Pope. Man, I’ll never live that down; newspapers acted like no one’s ever fallen on a pope before, and they bent the whole thing out of proportion. For weeks, the headlines said things like Thong boy attacks Pope!, Ninja assailant dive-bombs His Excellency!, Sinister shark-man flies in bisexual UFO; abducts His Holiness and forces him to make sandwiches for $4.50 an hour!, and my favorite, Devious thong-clad alien marauders decimate New York City in a blind, hideous rage as never seen before; Pope caught in the middle with nothing to defend himself with but his trusty lightsaber; Bush declares a national state of emergency; Janet Reno still looks like a man. Then, the next day, I wore white… and it was after labor day! Now that’s daring!
SBD: That’s truly impressive, Mr. Frey, and just a little bit scary. Finding a ninja who will wear white is like finding a cure to the common cold - it just isn’t going to happen. Are you suicidal or something?
Matt: No, I think my life so far has been good. I have all the basics, like a rusty shack to call my home, only slightly torn and somewhat recently washed (maybe) apparel and two out of two parents. They’re both chicks, but whatever.
SBD: But, what if you died doing that stunt? And I know you say it was an accident, but do you think God was upset at you for what you did to the Pope? Or, for that matter, do you even believe in God?
Matt: On more than one occasion, I’ve sat back and asked myself, “Is God just another Santa Claus? Another Tooth Fairy? Another Edward Scissor Hands? Another Darth Vader? Another drink for the lady, sir?” And after some serious thought, I think I do, but it all depends on what’s going on in the world.
SBD: I see. Well said, Mr. Frey. As for my last ninja-related question, what makes you think that you’re a ninja? Tell me some of your qualifications.
Matt: Well, I’ll tell you, only a true ninja would try to assassinate himself. I’ve been plotting to kill me for years now. The menacing way I look at myself in the mirror sends chills down my spine. And, whenever I’m eating, and I’m around too… well, let’s just say I don’t like the way I’m always eyeballing the nearest sharp object. Also, whenever I make me a drink, I’m always worried that that jerk me is trying to poison me. So, I always have me take the first sip before I take a drink. That way, any poison would kill me before it kills me, as a warning to me to not drink whatever it is that that devious me poisoned.
SBD: Bravo, Mr. Frey! Excellent! But enough about you as a ninja. What about you as a person? If a poor fellow came up to you on the street, what would you do?
Matt: Are they going to ask me anything, or did they just come up to me and stare? It'd be really weird if some bum wearing, like, McDonald's bags walked up and just stared at me. I'd probably freak out and throw my wallet at them.
SBD: Interesting. But that begs the question, have you ever given money to a homeless person?
Matt: Does the artist formally known as Prince count? Well, if he does, the answer is… no. I haven’t.
SBD: I’m at a loss for words… so I’ll just read off of my card. What’s the one modern thing you could live without?
Matt: Broccoli. That is definitely something that we, as a modern society, can live without. That and Brittany Spears.
SBD: It looks like you’re hostile towards celebrities.
Matt: Only the ones who deserve it.
SBD: All right, then, if you could be anyone famous, who would it be?
Matt: I’d be Uncle Ben of Uncle Ben’s Rice. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I was an older back man who sells rice. Ever since I was young, I knew I was different from the other boys. While most boys my age were interested in football, Pokémon, and grabbing any girl that moved, I found myself drawn to cooking and watching the Black Entertainment Network. I remember that my parents took it hard when I told them. I can’t say I blame them. I mean, I’m sure if I was in their position, and my son just told me he’d like to be about 60 years older, African American and a vendor of rice, I would have felt shocked too. Now my days are a blur of cooking rice and hanging out at Uncle Ben’s bars, trying to pick up other people of my kind. Will I ever find the peace I’m searching for…?
SBD: That’s tragic! So, how was your family life before all of that?
Matt: Well, let me answer that with a long story…
SBD: I’ve only got eight more hours before I have to assassinate the president, so don’t go on too -
Matt: One snowy Christmas, at about 3 a.m, I awoke to find a large box wrapped in the most enchanting paper. With glistening eyes, I pulled off the ribbon, and slowly removed the lid, my face absolutely beaming with anticipation. I looked in the box quite slowly, as the golden light came spilling out, unable to contain my excitement. With that, a fat, demented clown thing jumped out, knocking me down. He smelled like dumpsters and rotten eggs. And, I don’t know how he managed this, but somehow he also smelled like screaming.
“What the hell is this!?” I bellowed, backing away from the clearly perverted man.
“Why, that’s Thrusty the sexual mime!” Mom returned, smiling. “Isn’t he what you always wanted?”
“Oh, honey, he’s humping the Christmas tree!” Dad added. “Isn’t that cute?”
“Why did you buy this… hideous monstrosity!?” I exclaimed.
“Son, you specifically asked us for a fat, middle-aged pervert,” said Mom, shaking her finger authoritatively at me. “Don’t deny it.”
“Voltron action figures, Mom. I asked for Voltron action figures.”
“Same thing, boy,” Dad retorted. “Now go clean up after Thrusty. He’s your responsibility. You have to feed him, clothe him and take him for walks.”
By then, Thrusty was already drunk. On top of that, he had also received three parking tickets. And he was convicted of murder. All in 30 seconds.
That was the worst Christmas ever
SBD: What an awful story! I can relate; one time I asked for a shiny new ninja star for Christmas, and all my mother got me was a stupid Playstation. “You’ll star your eye out!” she’d always tell me. Oh well… she got hers… I mean… Holidays! Do you have any more amusing stories about holidays?
Matt: Well, once I dressed up as George W. Bush for Halloween. People refused to even answer the door. I had elderly women tossing eggs and shooting paintballs at me all night. Mom locked me out of the house too, so I was taken in by a pack of wild wolves and I learned to mimic their ways. Then I came back the next morning and Mommy made pancakes.
SBD: Speaking of your mom, they say men try to marry women who are similar to their mothers. What kind of person do you want to marry?
Matt: Specifically, I want a woman who will love me. I also want a girl who’s not afraid to say what she feels. Like, if my claws are puncturing her lung or something, I want her to speak up. A relationship is give and take, you know. The more you give, the more I’ll take. Now make me a sandwich.
SBD: As a human being, I’m sure you’ve made plenty of mistakes. But, do you regret anything, in being a writer or otherwise?
Matt: Remember when everyone was pouring money into all those online stores, like pets.com? Well, I decided to jump on the band wagon and buy thousands of dollars in stock in BeatTheChildren.com. Let’s just say it didn’t work out.
SBD: That must have hurt more than just the children, Mr. Frey. But one last question - what are you going to do next?
Matt: KILL BIG BIRD WITH GRENADE.
SBD: Well, I meant in your writing career, but I think I’m out of questions for you.
Matt: Have I won the Survivor competition yet? Because it feels like I’ve been sitting here with you for weeks. Thanks for interviewing me anyway, my ninja friend.
But by then he was gone - he had slipped out the window unnoticed, into the black night.