Course Overload #26: Bah, Lovebug!

With another holiday coming up, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about holidays in general. We all know that holidays are like expensive restaurants: some, like Wendy’s, are just better than others, like Bob’s Slop Emporium… but why? On my way to class one frigid afternoon, I pondered the situation.

Awful.

Some holidays are undeniably great, like Easter, Christmas and Arbor Day. They’re the holidays you wait all year for, and fall into a deep depression when they end. You know what I’m talking about – pretty much any holiday where someone gives you something for free, unless it’s a dead, rotting caribou or a copy of Open Water on DVD.

Most other holidays won’t make you wet your pants in the middle of Wal-Mart, but they’re still pretty nifty. A good example is Halloween. If we all got the day off from school and work and those dirty children came around handing out candy instead of begging for it in ridiculous costumes, I could probably be fed Halloween intravenously as some sort of plasma-like, life-sustaining fluid. Alas, for some strange reason, a few people just don’t like having round after mind-numbing round of children dressed as insipid Pokémon viciously pounding on their door until 3 a.m.


Gimmie all your candy, bitches!


Thanksgiving fits nicely into this category as well: Although you get to gorge yourself on delicious meat products to proudly uphold America’s tradition of being the most grossly obese nation in the galaxy, rarely have I ever received a decent Thanksgiving present. In fact, I think it’s called Thanksgiving simply because it’s closer to Christmas, and that’s something for which to be thankful.

So, unless you’re some kind of heathen who can’t stand children masquerading as the undead and begging you for candy, all holidays fall into either the “life-sustaining” or the “pretty good, I guess” categories… except for one. Valentine’s Day has long been the subject of heated debate. There are legions of people out there, like women, who would defend it to the death. Yet, for every soldier fighting in the name of love, there’s another fighting in the name of sanity. Millions of people, like women without dates, despise this day of candy and roses and would just as soon donate their favorite eye charity than have to endure it. For example, before we got together, one of my exes used to refer to Valentine’s Day as “Bitter Island Day.” I guess she must have liked the name, because she still called it that when we were together for some reason, even though I took her to a nice romantic dinner at the local strip joint and bought her a PlayStation that we keep at my house.

In an attempt to bring together these warring factions, this phenomenon warrants closer investigation. Why do so many people hate Valentine’s Day? It carries the mark of an awesome holiday, because there’s a possibility of receiving a wonderful, free gift! Or maybe even several, with a bunch of red things with green stems to cushion the bounty during transport! And my God, you could even get some candy! It’s like Easter and Christmas combined! Which would be really confusing for Jesus.

No, it’s not what’s up for grabs on Valentine’s Day, it’s the method of receiving it that has so many people saying “Bah, lovebug.” You see, to receive anything, someone has to be madly in love with you and dash through a fiery gauntlet of horrors known as a “flower shop” to retrieve your gifts. Or, your boyfriend and/or girlfriend needs to go to Price Chopper and buy you a box of chocolates. With adversities like that, it’s a wonder that anyone gets any gifts at all.

But sometimes, Valentine’s Day rolls around, and you’re caught without a significant other. It all makes sense to me now; I can really see how it would be upsetting to not have someone to share your candy with. It makes me wonder what jackass came up with a holiday that not only excludes some people, but wildly alienates them as well. (Or, right. Thanks, Hallmark!)

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized something: There’s plenty of joy and fun to be had with a partner (like playing a multiplayer video game), but there’s also wonderful happiness you can find by yourself (like playing a single player video game). See, it’s all about enjoying the phase of life you happen to be in right now. Why tear yourself up inside about not having a date this Valentine’s Day when there are many, many more Valentine’s Days where you will have someone in the future? As a wise sheep once said on an episode of the old Garfield and Friends cartoon, “There are two kinds of problems: ones that you can solve, and ones that you can’t. There’s no sense worrying about the problems you can solve, and there’s no sense worrying about the ones you can’t.”

By the time I thought of all this, my class was over, and I was walking back to my car. Suitably, a cop car sped by, its sirens blaring.

“Sirens are so romantic, like Valentines Day,” I said out loud.

My girlfriend was standing by my car when I got there. She was smiling, so I did too so I wouldn’t get in trouble. But wait! Oh no! During all that thinking about holidays, I had forgotten that it was National Give Dead Animals to the Ones You Love Day!

I’m still trying to figure out how she got that dead, rotting caribou to swallow that copy of Open Water.

Course Overload # 10: "What Girls Like"

Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on that very special person in your life; the one person without whom you’d be lost. It’s a day to consider all the wonderful things he or she has done for you over the years, and to thank the deity of your choice that your person has been there for you.


Or, if you’re like the rest of us, it’s a day to hate your life even more than you normally do and scramble about desperately looking for someone – ANYONE – to share Valentine’s Day with.

I fit firmly into latter category, although I didn’t think I was going to. See, I thought I had it made this year, because I have a girlfriend. Normally, this narrows down one’s potential valentines rather dramatically, but there was a little snag. Everything appeared to be going okay, even though it took me a while to gather the courage to ask her to be my valentine. Sometime last weekend I felt I couldn’t miss, so I sat her down and asked. The conversation went something like this:

MATT: Oh, Girlfriend. (That’s her name.) I’m so glad I have you. You mean more to me than the entire A-Team combined, and perhaps even a few of the G.I. Joes. Except Sgt. Slaughter; no one can throw a love-punch like him. How my face bleeds with ecstasy whenever he’s around… But that’s not the point right now. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love you with all my raging hormones. Will you be my valentine?

GIRLFRIEND: No.

So there I was, only a few days before the 14th and sans-valentine. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem. On Valentine’s Day, I usually just sit in my empty bathtub and see how long it takes to fill it up with my salty, salty tears and anguished moans. However, I was so sure I’d have a valentine this year, I had already gone out and purchased 60 pounds of chocolates and fine cheeses, as well a giant plush hand with a sign reading “I glove you.” I couldn’t let it all go to waste, so I began looking around the college for someone – ANYONE – to be my valentine. Along the way, I learned several invaluable lessons on how to treat a lady.

One thing girls like is to be lied to. Nothing enriches a relationship like treachery and debacle. For example, let’s say you sold your girlfriend’s dog, Toejam, to a gypsy potato farmer in order to buy some Star Trek mothballs from eBay. Now, when your girlfriend asks, “Hey, where did Toejam go?” you reply, “He saved a bus load of disabled children from a nuclear meltdown and then flew away to heaven with Mother Teresa and Billy Joel.” After that, she’ll be putty in your hands. Other things to lie about include marital status, income, age, gender, and my personal favorite, height.

Another thing girls like is eating, particularly when they don’t have to pay for it. Try having a romantic candle lit dinner at Burger King, if you can get the reservations. Be sure to order something with lots of onions, because studies have shown that eating onions increases muscle tone and boosts your income, all while keeping your breath minty fresh. When the time is right, lean in close to her ear, and scream sweet little nothings to her as loud as you can. A good time to do this is after the Burger King employees attempt to convince you that the rat tail you found in your burger wasn't a product of an unclean operation, but rather a “prize” like in the happy meals. Your date is likely to pass out from sheer joy if you can pull this off.

Also keep in mind that girls like fire, so you should try to bring it to them whenever you can. Sometimes, you’ll run out of things to burn, like your birth certificate or your mother’s wedding dress. In this case, it’s acceptable to burn something of your beloved’s, such as her baby pictures or her immigration papers. There’s nothing quite as romantic as lighting a candle with the only thing standing between your date and deportation.

Finally, if all else fails, give your potential date a gift. What better way to say “I love you!” than with a few bits of string and some torn gum wrappers?

Yet, sadly, all 237 of my attempts at wooing the college girls went up in smoke. (Sometimes literally.) I don’t know how that’s possible with all this new and wonderful dating knowledge, but I still don’t have a valentine. But, during my escapades, I realized something: If I don’t have a valentine, there must be a bunch of other people who don’t either. The more I think about it, the more I’m sure that if we keep at it long enough, we’ll all find a valentine someday. One Valentine’s Day without a date isn’t going to make a difference in the long run.

So, yes, I don’t have a valentine this year. What I do have, however, is 60 pounds of candy. Suddenly, not having a valentine is looking a whole lot sweeter.

The True Story of Thanksgiving

Facts are both factual and true, not to mention valid, but they are also boring. I could tell you that the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 and came about when the pilgrims left England for New Holland on three separate ships to escape religious persecution, or that the Governor of the Plymouth Colony, William Bradford, proclaimed the holiday to commemorate the harvest reaped after a particularly harsh winter. I could even tell you that everyone’s favorite Turkey Day tradition (besides punching grandpa), the Macy’s parade in New York City, will celebrate its 83rd anniversary this year by flying the same Garfield balloon they’ve been using since 1984. But, none of that, for non-history majors at least, was entertaining, was it? Where’s all the action? Where’s the drama and suspense? Where’s the giant, fire-breathing vampires? Was communism just a red herring? What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

As you can see, compared to other holidays like Christmas, Halloween and New Year’s Eve, Thanksgiving is little more than a ho-hum excuse to gorge ourselves on turkey and fall asleep in front of a football game while our little cousins draw fake moustaches on our tender, exposed faces. But lo! All you know about Thanksgiving you’ve likely learned from unreliable sources, like textbooks, teachers and Hallmark. The TRUE story of Thanksgiving has been lost to the flow of time… almost. Forget about all that sugar-coated crap you’ve heard about religious oppression and pilgrims dying from malnutrition and hypothermia; I’m here to let you in on what really happened, as told to me by my great-great-great-etc. uncle, Philip J. Frey, who chilled with the pilgrims in their hood and was totally down with the canned yams.

If you’ve ever seen England on TV, you know it’s a dull place full of fog, tea and crumpets, and stupid parties where rich snobs with names like Mr. Darcy and Rochester fall in love with plain women named Elizabeth or Jane. But there was one set of cool people there who hated tea time and lame parties. They wrote depressing poetry, wore their sunglasses at night, and no one understood them, not even their moms. Looking for a place to play their gloomy music and wear black year ‘round, the pilgrims set out for the New World in their three yachts: the Pinto (which tended to explode if another ship tapped it from behind), the Finding Nemo, and the Satan Maria.

However, after complaining of seasickness and boredom for three months and finally finding America, the pilgrims soon discovered that their epic struggle had just begun. They had exhausted their hearty supply of cigarettes within the first few hours of their voyage and were going through “major withdrawal, man.” So they decided to bum a few from their new neighbors. It is unknown whether this happened before or after Peppermint Patty invited herself over to Charlie Brown’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and Snoopy served them toast, popcorn and jelly beans, but historians can agree on one thing: Charlie Brown is indeed a blockhead.

Most people will tell you stuff about Indians helping the pilgrims plant crops and surviving the upcoming winter, but that’s not what happened at all. It seems the pilgrims took a wrong turn somewhere and hadn’t landed in America after all. Instead, they were in Japan, and their neighbors weren’t Native Americans, but packs of angry ninjas. Needless to say, the bloodthirsty warriors weren’t very happy to find a band of whiny, misunderstood Englishmen on their turf. When the pilgrims came looking for cigarettes, the ninjas quickly jumped from the shadows and pounced on their unsuspecting victims. Then, thankful to have destroyed the annoying pilgrims, they celebrated their victory by slicing the heads off of some nearby turkeys and eating them raw. And thus, Thanksgiving was born!

Unfortunately, the future of the holiday looks bleak. With pilgrims dying out at an alarming rate and robot production on the rise, scientists estimate that America will be decimated by armies of maverick machines by the year 2027. Our harsh new robot overlords, called “Robolords,” will likely destroy everything pertaining to human culture, including Thanksgiving. Things are looking up for retailers though, as projected 2027 Christmas sales are expected to be up by 3.7 percent over their 2026 counterparts.

So there you have it, the true story of Thanksgiving. It might not be what scholars call “accurate,” “correct,” or even “factual,” but it’s a lot more interesting than the tripe they fed you in grade school. And that, my friends, is what’s most important.