Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Course Overload # 10: "What Girls Like"

Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on that very special person in your life; the one person without whom you’d be lost. It’s a day to consider all the wonderful things he or she has done for you over the years, and to thank the deity of your choice that your person has been there for you.

Or, if you’re like the rest of us, it’s a day to hate your life even more than you normally do and scramble about desperately looking for someone – ANYONE – to share Valentine’s Day with.

I fit firmly into latter category, although I didn’t think I was going to. See, I thought I had it made this year, because I have a girlfriend. Normally, this narrows down one’s potential valentines rather dramatically, but there was a little snag. Everything appeared to be going okay, even though it took me a while to gather the courage to ask her to be my valentine. Sometime last weekend I felt I couldn’t miss, so I sat her down and asked. The conversation went something like this:

MATT: Oh, Girlfriend. (That’s her name.) I’m so glad I have you. You mean more to me than the entire A-Team combined, and perhaps even a few of the G.I. Joes. Except Sgt. Slaughter; no one can throw a love-punch like him. How my face bleeds with ecstasy whenever he’s around… But that’s not the point right now. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love you with all my raging hormones. Will you be my valentine?


So there I was, only a few days before the 14th and sans-valentine. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem. On Valentine’s Day, I usually just sit in my empty bathtub and see how long it takes to fill it up with my salty, salty tears and anguished moans. However, I was so sure I’d have a valentine this year, I had already gone out and purchased 60 pounds of chocolates and fine cheeses, as well a giant plush hand with a sign reading “I glove you.” I couldn’t let it all go to waste, so I began looking around the college for someone – ANYONE – to be my valentine. Along the way, I learned several invaluable lessons on how to treat a lady.

One thing girls like is to be lied to. Nothing enriches a relationship like treachery and debacle. For example, let’s say you sold your girlfriend’s dog, Toejam, to a gypsy potato farmer in order to buy some Star Trek mothballs from eBay. Now, when your girlfriend asks, “Hey, where did Toejam go?” you reply, “He saved a bus load of disabled children from a nuclear meltdown and then flew away to heaven with Mother Teresa and Billy Joel.” After that, she’ll be putty in your hands. Other things to lie about include marital status, income, age, gender, and my personal favorite, height.

Another thing girls like is eating, particularly when they don’t have to pay for it. Try having a romantic candle lit dinner at Burger King, if you can get the reservations. Be sure to order something with lots of onions, because studies have shown that eating onions increases muscle tone and boosts your income, all while keeping your breath minty fresh. When the time is right, lean in close to her ear, and scream sweet little nothings to her as loud as you can. A good time to do this is after the Burger King employees attempt to convince you that the rat tail you found in your burger wasn't a product of an unclean operation, but rather a “prize” like in the happy meals. Your date is likely to pass out from sheer joy if you can pull this off.

Also keep in mind that girls like fire, so you should try to bring it to them whenever you can. Sometimes, you’ll run out of things to burn, like your birth certificate or your mother’s wedding dress. In this case, it’s acceptable to burn something of your beloved’s, such as her baby pictures or her immigration papers. There’s nothing quite as romantic as lighting a candle with the only thing standing between your date and deportation.

Finally, if all else fails, give your potential date a gift. What better way to say “I love you!” than with a few bits of string and some torn gum wrappers?

Yet, sadly, all 237 of my attempts at wooing the college girls went up in smoke. (Sometimes literally.) I don’t know how that’s possible with all this new and wonderful dating knowledge, but I still don’t have a valentine. But, during my escapades, I realized something: If I don’t have a valentine, there must be a bunch of other people who don’t either. The more I think about it, the more I’m sure that if we keep at it long enough, we’ll all find a valentine someday. One Valentine’s Day without a date isn’t going to make a difference in the long run.

So, yes, I don’t have a valentine this year. What I do have, however, is 60 pounds of candy. Suddenly, not having a valentine is looking a whole lot sweeter.

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